Journal for Moi

i kid you not...
mom just found out my dad ran off on his second wife with a 14 or 15 year old girl.

no big surprise now that i think about it.
but i have been living in the U.S. for so long,
i kind find that scenario a bit disgusting...

but yeah, in retrospect,
dad is a very handsome man in his mid 40's
he as certainly taken good care of himself
he is very charismatic too.

mom "subtly" tried to reassure me that he never cheated on her
that he was never a skirt seeking monster when he was with her

i didn't need her to do that.

i know he wasn't.
i guess she sensed that i was a bit disturbed by the news
but it was for the wrong reason
(goes to show normal this is back there)

she's like 3 years younger than me!
she is the same age as my little brother!
she could be an 8th grader for god's sake!

the little bit of respect i had for the guy is gone
i am sad to say this,
but i cannot help it
he can't bring that back

mom has tried all these years to  keep that image of him intact
to  keep us remembering him like we did when were little, when we believed he was the strongest man in the world!

she really has tried hard.
but over the years it as become exponentially difficult...
he has a new kid with his second wife.
i have 5 year old half brother that i will probably never meet.
what the fuck is he going to do now?!!

God knows he's not going to fight nail and tooth for custody of his child.

my contempt for my father is growing into something i am not proud enough to name...

is my worst friend....

i love it!  it has helped in so many ways,

i like the way it makes me feel all relaxed and care free.
that's not it's main job
it is supposed to help me concentrate in school and at home.
which it does.

but it keeps my mind focused on one thing
it keeps me from the usual chaotic spider web of thought that makes me all anxious.
so anxiety is pretty much gone when i am on it.

but it has its drawbacks...
depending on the dosage my mood is always alternating

low dosages make extremely aggressive.
i am easily annoyed
become reclusive
hermit like.
quiet
i lose my appetite
i get insomnia

i also get very sensitive
not just emotionally
but physically!
cold becomes colder
everything is magnified
yeah it sounds nice
but it is not all good
human contact becomes literally painful
i hate it
this makes me even more irritable...

but there are good things
especially when the dosage is high anough
i find that 25 milligrams
will keep me in  a zen like state
i feel affection for everything..

it is good.

no, the chances of me getting schizophrenia are very slim.

but i lately i have had sudden feelings that i am about to wake up.

weird, hu?

especially in situations when i am most active...

it's not just the usual, is this a dream feeling
but that you are about to wake up from that dream.

it's not something scary
it actually feels kinda nice
calm
and
serene...

nut i am a bit apprehensive about it...
what if i really do wake up??

now that would be scary

my mom is pissed at me....

something about my diet

apparently i am not nourishing well enough

i never really did, i don't see a change in my meals
but mom doesn't see it that way
she blames it on the computer...
go figure

so now i have a set time to use it.
when will i watch my porn? T_T

Who is Platypus?
Platypus is my neighbor.
He likes to drink a martini glass of vodka and water with a floating strawberry on the side.
He enjoys to listen to the new born music style of palitroche.
He seems to read a lot and is overall a quiet little critter.
He is also in the memory bancs of the international security department.
A certified pedophile cannot be let loose into society and be expected to mend his ways…

    Down the stairs and up again.  Down the stairs and up again.  Down the stairs and up again.  This was the ritual the platypus followed all after noon.  Down the stairs and up again.  Down the stairs and up again.  He did not stop to say “hello”, he did not stop to say “good bye”,  he did not even blink when a piano fell from the seventh floor and landed on his little garden of petunias.  He just ignored what was happening in his surroundings and continued with his ritual.  Down the stairs and up again…
This continued for days to come.  When I left the building to go to school I had to make way for him in the stairs.  When I came back from school I had to cram myself in to the stair case full of people who were trying not get to close to platypus.  Not out of respect or courtesy, but out of fear for their safety; for it seemed that platypus would not stop for anything and he would do anything not to detain his unceasing struggle to go down the stairs and up again…  
On the sixth day of his extravagant feat he only performed his persistent act until 3: 78 PM and then went on to his apartment and slammed the door into the faces of the inquisitive neighbors; who had seen him so relentlessly go down the stairs and up again, and were now wondering what he was up to.  
After the abrupt halt in the continuous rite, platypus did not come out of his apartment for three days straight.  And while he sealed in his apartment mouths explained platypus’ strange behavior with even stranger tales…  
“He was looking for a microscopic button that fell from the pocket in his vest”
“He was counting the average number steps taken by people every year”
“He was trying to find out how long it would take for his feet to fall out”
“maybe had a bad case of insomnia and paced to tire him self to sleep”
“ I heard he was smuggling borrowers in to the building!”
“ he was looking for a place to hide the charred remains of his murdered wife and that is the truth”
But of course, the were all truths; they always are, no?

    As these rumors spread through the building and even the higher floors became interested in this peculiar mystery, I tried talk to platypus to find out what had brought on the change in his usual self.  Yes he was always quiet, but he had never ignored a friendly hello, and he had never alienated himself from the tenants.   He did not answer my calls he did not reply to my e-mails, he did not even link with me to have private chat, he went as far as to deny me entrance in to his cyber chatting chamber, which seemed to be working on the over load these days.

so word got out around school that i am in especial education
and now
i am a retard

yup
ger the retard

kids can be cruel
and the irony is that the /b/tards at school don't understand the real reason they call me that.

not only that
but their brains hurt when i try to explain

sigh

i can't wait for death

but becoming an hero is so hackneyed...
i'll just aggravate them as much as possible

Twins

red head

incest

body hair

nerdy types

pale

skinny

frail frames

and i cannot get rid of it.

masturbation doesn't help

there is something missing
need?
incentive?
i jut don't want it
my sex drive s al dried up

that's not normal for an 18 year old >.<

i blame Adderall
but i needs it.

i don't know

i don't  think so

i have a pretty good feeling that 2012
everything that we have worked for will have been for nothing

mark my words people.
something is going to happen
and it will be BIG
catastrophic
enjoy your life until then

ok, so yesterday was fun
i went to an amusement park with some friends

the guy i have a major crush on was there too.
so was his girlfriend

anyway
he doesn't do well in spinning rides so he and i sat this one game out
and waited for the others to be over with it.

we sat together holding all the crap that might have fallen off the ride

as we sat, this mother walked with her toddler by the hand

he was barely learning how to walk
and looked like a drunken business man in a crazy Christmas Party.
any way.
she stood him infront of a poster displaying the Park's mascots so she could take a picture.
he didn't seem too interested and started walking away
i laughed
he laughed
the mother laughed
and the kid just kept on walking.
his mom chased him and placed him back in front of the poster.
after a few tries she finally succeeded and i shared a smile with her and her toddler
he kept glancing our way
i think because we were holding a bunch of stuffed animals.

they hung around the area for quite a while.
i couldn't stop looking at him
he was an adorable little critter ^_^
he kept trying to make conversation
and i responded half paying attention
after a while he gave up i guess
and i kept quiet just thinking

this was a bad idea.
thinking
thinking always makes me sad
i kept thinking about that little boy.
i never saw his dad there, but his mom mentioned him a few times while taking the picture

i wanted my kids to be like that one.

but ofcourse
the probability f me having progeny is pretty much zilch
and i couldn't stop thinking about that one little problem that will detain me from passing on my fucked up genetic material to a little version of a human that could call me dad

ok here i go again, i just can't help it.
i gotta stop before i